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When I can’t talk about things, I write about them.

Hey great big internet world, it’s me. And I’ve come to bare my heart and soul a little. (Okay, a lot.)

It’s that time of the year again where it’s finally feeling like fall in the south and the leaves are changing colors and I’m in a sweater everyday that it’s under 70°. And along with that changing of the season, my heart always constricts a little. I don’t talk about it much, but fall brings up a lot of memories from the past that I can forget in almost every other season. And lately, I’ve come to realize that the wind rushing in through the windows as I’m making my way home after a long day at work, and the song that hits my heartstrings so hard that I put it on repeat for the rest of the drive home makes those feelings come rushing back. And then I realize that I’ve pent up those feelings for such a good long while that they’re bursting at the seams. The seams of my heart and the seams of my mind. And I find that it’s always at the most inconvenient time that these thoughts come, and suddenly words and whole paragraphs of sentences upon sentences are stringing themselves along in my mind, begging to be written down.

Because when I can’t talk about things, I write about them.

And so as soon as I pull into my parking space, I’m scrambling to furiously record those sentences and sometimes I post them and a lot of the times I don’t.

But I’ve decided to post them tonight for some reason. Because I’ve realized that even sometimes, just writing them down for myself isn’t enough.

Here’s what hit me hard. (Besides the cover of I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles) by Sleeping at Last that came out of nowhere and stirred up all my feelings.)

I met a friend this weekend that I’ve only ever talked to online and I took a chance and set up a meet with her and we found that we have a ton in common and we even look alike so we’re basically twins. Throughout the night, the conversation flowed and we talked about everything and nothing and suddenly we were talking about relationships past and present and she asked me…

“Do you even want to get married?”

I’m not sure exactly what thought came first. The clarity of the one glaring word in my mind, an absolute, positive “YES” or the sudden anxiety and burst of trepidation and the question that sang violently throughout my whole being. “Do I give off the impression that I don’t want to?”

Let’s start at the beginning. Here’s the background of my previous relationship.

Girl meets boy at college. Boy and girl fall in love and date for almost 3 years. Boy and girl unknowingly grow apart. Boy breaks up with girl. Girl doesn’t realize that breaking up is the best thing that’s ever happened to her. Girl realizes that three years of her life are gone. Three years of shared hopes and shared dreams are suddenly over. Girl cries over boy for entirely too long.

It took me so long to realize that I didn’t miss that particular boy, but that I simply missed having that “someone.” The one who will listen and talk to you about those things people say they care about but don’t, really. It took me so long to realize that the tears I cried and the heartache I faced had more to do with the conflicting desire of having someone to share my life with and the sinking feeling of dread that something could happen again and it would all repeat itself.

Allow me to clarify.

It’s been years since that relationship ended but in those years, some pretty solid walls built up over time. It was on a night like tonight that I realized that I was scared. So scared. Of repeating the past. Of making new memories and hopes and dreams and then losing them.

And you can tell me that “You can’t be afraid to lose someone so much that you don’t even try.” But my heart will still tighten at the words. Trust me. Because these are words that I whisper to myself over and over again, trying to convince myself.

It’s a funny thing, when you look back and years and years have passed and you’re caught up in life. Caught up in traveling and exploring and living life in the moment, and loving it. And you think back to the person you used to be and it’s like looking at a doppelgänger who may look exactly like you but is completely different, inside.

Since my relationship ended, I’ve had so many incredible opportunities cross my path. I’ve worked hard and I’ve gotten an amazing job. I’ve traveled to foreign lands and fallen in love with mountains, and waterfalls, and the sound of foreign languages intertwining and that wonderful overwhelming feeling of stepping out of the plane and arriving in a different country for the first time. I’ve learned about myself and now I enjoy so many different hobbies and my world has grown SO MUCH more than it ever could have if I would have still been in that relationship. And I’m happy. I’m so happy with the life that I have today. And I’m so grateful for those incredible opportunities and the memories that I’ll have forever because of them.

And yet, the wind blows, and the song plays, and the memories come crashing and the question is asked, and with it the feeling that hits me so intensely, the feeling of how much I don’t want to be alone. And I can’t imagine that someone, even someone I’ve never met, could ever think that I don’t crave a “someone” more than I crave adventure, and independence, and the happiness that comes with the life that I have today.

In Pride and Prejudice, I’m more Jane than Elizabeth. My deepest feelings don’t show. Maybe I don’t show the world how much I crave a partner to walk through life with. Maybe I’m so independent, and so busy, and my life is so full of adventure that people don’t realize that I’m hurting, too. Maybe I’m so stubborn and so fearful of looking like the “desperate” one that I shy away from opportunities.

In the 21st century, your online presence is your “highlight reel”. It’s not the lonely thoughts that swirl around your head at night and the tears you cry. It’s the good times and the best times and the times you look pretty and the views you see across the world that you want everyone else to see too.

So maybe I’m writing this blog because I don’t want to be fake. I don’t want to pretend it doesn’t hurt when it does. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I don’t want want to miss out on a Mr. Bingley because I don’t share my feelings openly like a certain Ms. Bennett.

Maybe my words will inspire. Maybe somewhere out there, even weeks or months from this chilly November evening, someone out there will need these words too.

And maybe I just needed to write them down for me. To remind myself that it’s possible to conquer an overwhelming fear, and that walls don’t crumble without a little work.

So here’s to being real, and being lonely, and not forgetting that God has a plan for every little detail of my life.

XOXO,

C

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That Friday Feeling: Playlist Edition

It’s the weeeeeeekend!

Y’all! I love Fridays! Probably because I always have an early start to the weekend with a four day workweek schedule, but there’s also just something about the day itself. I call it That Friday Feeling and I’ve made a little playlist HERE of 5 of the top songs that give me Friday Feels. (You can also use these on Mondays to hype up your week 😉) OKAY, Okay I’ll stop. I know Monday isn’t a word that should even be breathed today. 

XOXO,

C

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The Night I Would Never Forget

Exactly one year ago today I experienced a night that would change me forever. Looking back, I couldn’t know that a full year later, I would remember this night as the defining moment, one of the paradigm shifts of my life. 

The Day: August 30, 2016

The Location: Iceland

I’m not sure if it was the mysterious mist that clang beautifully to the mountains, or the small dirt pass that ran between them, but something in me changed that night. A short hike on a narrow path led us to one of the most serene places I had ever seen. 

Built in 1923, Seljavallalaug Pool is the oldest swimming pool in Iceland. Walking through the mountains only to come upon a pool in the middle of nowhere is quite a feeling. Sat beside the pool is a small concrete changing room with pegs on the wall and not much else. Although the pool is manmade, the geothermal water that heats the pool trickles down the mountains from the Eyjafjallajökull volcano.


It was getting late, around 8:30 PM, and the mist was sweeping lower and lower down the mountain and covering the valley beside the pool. We were huddled in the corner of the pool where the hot water was coming in from one lonely pipe. To be honest, we were in an almost 100 year old pool so the algae/slime sitch was real, but I realized that day that the world is so much more beautiful than I had ever imagined. 

I realized that I want to see as much of it’s beauty as I possibly can before my time on this earth is finished. And I realized that above all else, God created these mountains, this volcano, and this moment, and He knew that one day, a girl from Texas would be covered in algae, slightly shivering and admiring the beauty that He created. 

What an incredible God who created the universe and the galaxies. Who filled the oceans that I dream of and who spoke the beauties of this world into existence. I love Him with all of my heart. And despite the hardships, the trials, and the messy days in my life, I will praise Him. I will thank him for the beauty He created for my eyes to see. I will thank him for allowing me to experience more of His beauty than I ever thought would be possible. And I will chase His beauty to the furthest corners of the earth. 

XOXO,

C

P. S. Tbh I almost forgot how to blog, I’m so rusty. Here’s to turning 25, to adulting, and to chasing His beauty! 

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Before and After Us.

My life was once so tiny

Four corners and four walls

And you and me went round and round

And I thought that it was all

It was all I could imagine

It was all I could ever want

And now I visit those old places

And my thoughts, they only haunt

Because now my life is so very big

Bursting out of those four walls

It’s full And overflowing

And I want to see it all

See the mountains and the deserts

The forests and the trees

And I know deep down

It never would have been 

with only you and me.

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Love, Uncategorized, Writing

The Unseen River. 

There’s a river held behind my eyes.
Blocked by an unseen dam,
I feel unseen, I don’t feel alive.
If you can’t love me, then who can?
I’m ready for this holding force to give way,
To break, to rush, to scream.
For emotions to spill and pour and leak away.
It’s so easy to block the things not wanted.
It’s so easy to shut the door on pent up feelings and desires.
It’s so easy to sweep the pieces into little corners and crevices, out of the way,
Until they aren’t.
Until a small sliver, a tiny crack in the dam, a drip of water, and
Suddenly
Overwhelming thoughts and hopes long forgotten and dreams once hidden are exposed, raw, vulnerable.
And it’s not easy anymore. It’s not effortless. And you’re so afraid that if you see yourself for who you really are, for all those dreams that haven’t come true, for all those desires darkening the hidden corners of your heart,
Everyone else will see them too.

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Travel, Uncategorized, Writing

The Year of Twenty-Two. 

11:58 PM found me locked in my bedroom, earphones in, my face covered in LUSH Ocean Salt Facial Scrub (trust me, it’s magical),  and having the time of my life jamming to T Swift’s 22 for the last time while actually twenty-two. 

Twenty-two has been an incredible year for me! From graduating college and moving back home, to getting a successful business job (yay for adulting!), to traveling the world, I have seen and grown and explored to my heart’s content. 

I have road tripped the entire East Coast, explored Maine, NYC, and Boston with my best friend, and checked three continents off my list (Europe, Asia, and Africa). 

I have discovered the pure joy and fascination one can get from growing and watching plants and flowers as they thrive under your care. Green living things have taken over my apartment like you wouldn’t believe and I’m totally okay with it. #crazyplantlady 

There have been struggles, heart break, and hard times this year but through it all, I’ve learned a couple of things:

  1. Being able to afford all the clothes and coffee and home decor I want can never feel as good as being broke and traveling the world. 
  2. Try new things even if they scare you! The first thought I had when my mum bought me my first house plant (on my birthday no less) was utter terror that I would kill it off faster than it could grow. I look back at that moment and can’t help but laugh at myself. (I also want to cry when I think about not having a house full of thriving plant children…) But, seriously.  Also, if anyone needs some ivy cuttings hit me up, yo. I can’t bare to trim them and throw them away. I know, I know, I’m crazy. 
  3. Never ever ever refuse someone’s help when moving. Lesson learned. 
  4. Give God all you’ve got, and more. I have never in my life been as blessed as I have this year. You can hear it as many times as you listen, but until you truly sacrifice of yourself (time, money, energy, etc) for God, you will never know the true value of living for the Lord.  I could tell you of so many things this past year that have really made this statement ring true in my life! 
  5. All the iPhone pictures in the world will never be able to compare to the beauty of seeing that view from the cliff overlooking the clear turquoise ocean, or the giraffes bathed in the first light of morning and mist in the distance while driving through a safari, or the spectacular view of the River Thames and the sparkling city lights of London. So don’t forget to take in the moment, put down your phone, your camera and all other distractions, and breath in the fresh salty air, let yourself feel like the tiniest part of the universe while taking in the views from the London Eye, and enjoy the ultimate feeling of freedom in the majestic African wildlife while pretending to be Queen of the Safari. All the pictures in the world will never be worth the memories, I promise. 

As I drove to work today (yay, adulting?), I may or may not have been belting out Queen Bey’s Grown Woman with my front seat filled with flowers and succulents (the fam bam knows me too well). I am so blessed and can not wait to see where The Year of Twenty-Three will take me! No need to fear, I will still be dancing and feeling 22, my wanderlust will continue to grow, and I’ll still be overwhelming your instagram accounts with my plant babes. Happy Thursday! XOXO

  

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